I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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