God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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