____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
