omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
