We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
