i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i love accidental penises.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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