Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
