just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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