: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
