So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
