I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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