If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
