I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
