i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
