How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
