does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
