I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
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at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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