i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
