I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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