Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
