I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker