May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
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My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
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we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.