don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
