New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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