Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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