I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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