You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
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Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
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Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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