Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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