she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
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He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
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The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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