and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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