is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
