No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
