I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
