Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
