Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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