sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
