Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
