Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
