He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
