I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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