she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
