Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
