Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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