answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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