just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
