I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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