Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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