you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.