One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
