the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
