At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
