I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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