I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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