Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
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It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
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i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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