Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
